April 2012
2 posts
Racist Cabbies, The Trip, and Other
Ni hao, again.
In my absence from blogging, I have gotten drunk with my professors, talked to a really racist cabby, finished a 5 page paper about pollution in china (in chinese) and eaten more ice cream than is appropriate AND planned my trip for summer break. Buckle up little bitch cuz I’m about to take you on a ride.
I dont remember much about getting drunk with my professors except for...
The Great Wall
Long time no see mother fuckers.
Im not even gonna apologize for my absence seeing as I’m above that now.
Open Transmission:
So,
About a month ago (i guess its been that long), ACC went and visited the Great Wall at Jinshanling. whats special about this place is that it isn’t some tourist orgy like badaling or some other places. Therefore, the wall isn’t restored as much...
March 2012
11 posts
Haircuts
No this is not about my trip to Sichuan.
Yes, I still have more to post about it.
Yes, this post is in fact about me getting my haircut.
(Introductory sentence)
I happen to be very particular about my hair. It’s not weird or anything but i just dont like anyone except for my barber (Frank) to cut my hair. He has been cutting my hair for the past 8 years, and I cannot envision actually...
Sichuan Chronicles: Leshan/ Diarrhea
I guess I still remember this.
Near Chengdu, Sichuan, is the sacred Buddhist mountain of Leshan (shan means mountain in Chinese). Leshan happens to be home to the worlds largest Buddha, also known as the Grand Buddha.
Leshan is not exactly a mountain, I would really call it a large hill but it is still full of interesting things to see and definitely worth trip if you ever get your sorry ass to...
Sichuan Chronicles: Panda Breeding Base
Believe it or not, pandas dont just roam around the streets of China. Apparently they are going extinct and therefore only live in special breeding places or zoos that make them have sex and jerk off all day.
While to almost all men this sounds like paradise, apparently breeders are having a hard time making the panda have sex because all they want to do is eat bamboo. So much bamboo that they...
The Train Ride
If you dont know this about me, I hate doing homework. That’s why I’m writing this post. Im also having writers block so here is a really shitty post.
ACC hops on the train. Everyone brought a lot of booze. We all got drunk. After 26 hours I was in Chengdu.
More to come when I can write.
Sichuan
Tomorrow at 6:29 exactly I will board a 25 hour train to Sichuan with the rest of the ACC clan. Today I went out and purchased 3 things of instant noodles, a sleeve of ritz crackers, and a big ass pack of cookies. Tomorrow, before we leave, I also picking up a few other essentials (a lot of alcohol) for the train ride. Seeing as you can drink in public (and on public transport) in China, Im...
Peoples' opinion of summer camp
So the other day, one of my professors was trying to explain camp to us. However, because we dont know the chinese word for it, she was trying to explain what it was without using English. This was her description:
“They happen in the summer. It’s the place where Jewish children go to live.”
At this point, I almost fell on the floor laughing. Apparently even Chiense people...
1 tag
The Gym, again
Dear everyone who is related to me,
Please dont read this post. It is inappropriate.
Love, Sam
Just got back from the gym. Im feeling huge. Im also not talking about my muscles.
Even More Hu Tongs and Dashilar (Which is a Hu...
‘Sup Bitches,
I already wrote a nice letter explaining why I haven’t been on, so now it’s back to business as usual.
So,
Two weekends ago I ventured off into the mysterious land of Beijing and went to check out another area of hutongs. While you are probably thinking: “God this fucking kid just spends all his time in alleyways. He must be buying drugs.”
Well, to...
The Hiatus
Dear readers,
I would like to offer my sincerest apologies for not being ‘on my shit’ the past few weeks. School work has been brutal (we had midterms on Friday), and I have been devoting my time and energy to that, instead of getting drunk and visiting interesting places.
Forever yours,
Samuel F. Silverman
February 2012
15 posts
The Gym
So, before China, I was joking around with people saying that I could probably find a guy who knows a guy, who can get me HGH. Now I’m not.
Today at the gym, I was casually doing some triceps pulldowns when some JACKED chinese guy, wearing nothing but a tank top and compression shorts, walks to the corner of the room. He then proceeds to reach into his backpack and take out a small juice...
New Hu Tongs and Wangfujing
Dear my beloved followers,
I am sorry that I have ditched you the past week. I know that your lives revolve solely upon reading my cuss word ridden posts about China and, I have failed to provide you with those the past week. Here is an update that I hope you appreciate.
Love,
Me
(please?)
I feel like the past bunch of posts have been about getting drunk or something stupid, however; this...
The Gym
In advance, I would like to apologize to all my family members who are about to read this post.
I went to the gym today.
I also had my first sighting of Chinese penis. They were right.
Oldies but Goodies
that was terribly cliche.
So after our weekly quiz, the ACC gang went on down to visit old people down some alleyway.
To put it nicely, we went to converse and talk with the elderly at a old people home.
So it started off with us sitting on one end of the the room in little kiddie chairs and the old people just staring at us on the opposite end. After that we busted out into a song battle....
Books and Associated Sundries
I dont even know what sundries means.
So this week has been pretty uneventful at ACC. we are watching the movie Eat Drink Man Woman in class, with no subtitles. Its pretty hardcore if you ask me.
So, the other day I went out to lunch at this crazy little restaurant. its like the boa zi place i have mentioned in earlier posts but maybe even more decrepit and dirty if thats possible. They only...
Get Hosted
I know i haven’t posted in a while. Its not a big deal since only 4 people read this blog. (jk i have a whole 13 followers, sorry bros)
So this weekend I went to visit my host family for the first time.
My ‘dad’ picked me up from school and i was already super excited. Their car had these faux fur seat covers that were maybe the most comfortable thing this side of The Great...
The SNOB
Right off the bat, I’m claiming rights to that phrase.
The SNOB
it stands for: ‘the standard night out in beijing’
use in a sentence: ‘yo, that test today was brutal, I’m ready to SNOB’ or
‘i snobbed yesterday and this guy won’t stop texting me’
after being here a month, yea its been that long, i feel that i have the ability to say what a...
Have You Found Jesus Today
Listen: ‘cause this is funny shit.
So for our independent project we have to interview people. Talking to Chinese people is nerve-racking enough as I’d say my comprehension is only about 85% but when talking about a more complex issue (air pollution in beijing), that goes down to about 60%.
I know what you are thinking right now: Sam, that is impressive, the fact that you can speak...
Calligraphy Part Deux
Today was a pretty normal day at ACC, I handed in a casual 1250 character essay at 8 and then had my usual slate of classes. The other day I discover a boiled water tank on the hallway where my classes are and now i can’t go through a day without filling up my water bottle there. its the equivalent of hanging out by the water cooler at word in the U.S but because this is China, and most...
8 tags
Super Bowl
ATTENTION: before reading, if you are one of my teachers at ACC, all of this is a fantastical lie in order to get more people to read my blog. If you are reading this, you should know that I’ve been sitting, miserable in my room all day because I had some bad food last night and have spent the day on the toilet 拉肚子-ing (la du zi). (in american, this is known as having diarrhea.)
...
11 tags
Yong He Gong Lama Temple
POP QUIZ, BITCH!
What is a Lama Temple?
A) “are you really about to talk about another bar?! I’m calling AA”
B) One of the most famous Buddhist temples in the world.
C) A llama breeding ground
ANSWER: if you picked B you are one smart mofo.
If you picked A or C, you are one ignorant bitch (PG readers should say something like “person”) and you should probably...
10 tags
Sanlitun part deux
I know I already posted about sanlitun but fuck you i wanna do it again.
(side note to parents and all people concerned with my well-being: i dont keep posting about bars because I’m an alcoholic. Going to bars just takes up the majority of my time on the weekends so I write about them. dontworryaboutit)
On friday night I finally caved. Its been almost a month since I have had a decent...
8 tags
The Idiot's Guide to Using a Cell Phone in Another...
In this post i will be cutting some of my terrible jokes and cursing in lieu of teaching you ignorant mofos the best thing to do when it comes to cellular devices in China and abroad.
The first step, is really digging deep and finding out who you are as a person. What i really mean is just thinking about how long you will need to be in the country you are traveling to.
WARNING: I highly...
6 tags
Calligraphy
That shit’s an art son.
So yesterday, i started my extracurricular class of calligraphy. for you chinese mofos thats called 书法 shu fa.
The reason i decided on calligraphy is that i write both english and chinese like a handicapped person 3 year old on crack person with bad handwriting.
So, i hop in this classroom ready to get my stroke (order) on, when i see a bunch of paintbrushes. To...
January 2012
31 posts
Food
I don’t know what it is about Chinese food, but it makes me shit like a rabbit.
6 tags
North Korea
Listen:
The topic of conversation today in class was relationships between different countries. As all 3 of you that read my blog know, each day we have an hour long, one on one chat with our professor at the end of each day. Its getting toward the end of the class and my professor who it turns out is some brainwashed chinese zealot has really western views about society and government, asks me,...
8 tags
700 character essay? Bitch please
yea, so thats happening now.
This weekend my chinese professors assigned a casual 700 character typed hand-written essay about what we did over chinese new year. That wouldn’t be too hard but, how many different ways can you say “i got drunk and set off fireworks”? Well, as it turns out, i can turn that into an essay about the intricacies of chinese culture and what the...
Jian Bing
Im procrastinating hard right now.
Some of the best food in china can be found on the street. The best thing on ‘the streets’ (as you young people call it), are Jian Bing.
Jian Bing are the delicious offspring of a crepe and an omelet. They happen by making a thin crepe (as shown below)
then you the chinese master chef, takes an egg spreads it on top throws down some green stuff...
Temple Fairs
Situation: two bros just brochillin’. hard.
bro 1: yo bro, you ever been to a temple fair?
bro 2: no, what is that? can you please educate my ignorant ass?
bro 1: well i remember my first time being an ignorant bitc little female dog, of course i’ll educate you
Situation 2: You are in beijing over chinese new year and literally there is not one human being in sight. You think to...
5 up 5 down
Im getting bored of this whole, write a long ass essay about my day and then have three people read it thing (mom, dad, mess). Therefore, i am going to start my quick 5 up, 5 down posts. These will appear from time to time when im too lazy to write a huge post.
5 UP (in no particular order)
dumplings- literally the streets in china are paved with dumplings. and guess who is here to eat them
...
5 tags
Watchyes, we did light fireworks in the middle of the street.
1 tag
New Years
if Christmass, Thanksgiving, and The Fourth of July had a four-way with a chinese hooker very nice lady, their child would be Chinese New Year.
date: 1/22/12 time: approx. noon, but who’s counting
I wake up and go with a few friends to acquire the two things that both chinese and american people love, fireworks and beer. So we go to the fireworks stand by the school and acquire about 40...
1 tag
Chinese Host Family and Sanlitun
So on Friday I met my host family. The mom and daughter from the family came to introduce themselves. The mom is really nice and the entire time was just asking what my favorite foods were and that she could make me anything. My “little sister” is 10 years old and is the epitome of cute.
I found it really funny how once I introduced myself to my host family, they immediately started...
1 tag
Getting My Ducks in a Row
To day I had my first test. And thats all I have to say about that. (forrest gump voice)
After classes today we went across the street to have Peking (Beijing) Duck, and then some. The entire ACC clan went with the teachers as our first 中文桌子 zhongwenzhuozi, Chinese table. So we get there. The ‘clan’ has all of the private rooms rented out, and in each room is a large table that seats...
1 tag
The Routine and Civil Rights
They said in the beginning that you would fall into a routine and days become monotonous and that you should try to shake it up and explore beijing.
Currently, I find myself falling into a very standard routine. Everyday I wake up, go to class, eat lunch, check my e-mail and then study, then dinner, then study more. Hopefully the Chinese New Year will inject some excitement into my relatively...
Jiao Zi vs Bao Zi
Before I went to China, most people, aside from telling me how much fun I would have, kept asking me if I was excited for some awesome dumplings. China has not failed by any means in providing me with enough dumplings to last a life time and at this point, I feel like I am something of a expert on the subject of dumplings. Therefore, the purpose of this post will be to educate you readers at home...
1 tag
First Day of School!!!!!
I had my first day of school today. It was pretty brutal, and by the end i was ready to just pass out.
My day started at 8:00 am with 大班棵 dabanke or big class which, by everyone else’s standards is pretty small with only 7 students. We start every class with 听写 tingxie or listen-write which is our daily dictation which our teacher reads us 5 or 6 phrases and sentences we have to copy down...
1 tag
Tiananmen
I feel like people from America think that Tiananmen is a really big deal in China, like its a must see place but, to be honest you can really just drive by it in a taxi to get the affect. Tiananmen is just a ginormous public square with a massive national monument in the middle. Of course, there is the big picture of mao but really you can just save yourself some time and look at it from the...
1 tag
Jing Shan Park
On our last day before classes, the ACC crew went out and took Beijing by storm. At 8:30 we left Minzu and headed out to Jing Shan park for a little exercise. On the way over, one of the professors explained why Jing Shan is very important. 1: there are a lot of old people there. 2. The last emperor of the ming dynasty committed suicide there while feeing from the forbidden city (which is across...
