The Hitchhiker's Guide to China

Racist Cabbies, The Trip, and Other

Ni hao, again.

In my absence from blogging, I have gotten drunk with my professors, talked to a really racist cabby, finished a 5 page paper about pollution in china (in chinese) and eaten more ice cream than is appropriate AND planned my trip for summer break. Buckle up little bitch cuz I’m about to take you on a ride.

The Great Wall

Long time no see mother fuckers.

Im not even gonna apologize for my absence seeing as I’m above that now. 

Open Transmission: 

So, 

About a month ago (i guess its been that long), ACC went and visited the Great Wall at Jinshanling. whats special about this place is that it isn’t some tourist orgy like badaling or some other places. Therefore, the wall isn’t restored as much and there is really no one there but you. If you are looking for a ‘local’ experience (because that is what we all search for when we are in a foreign country) i recommend checking it out. 

and so I start walking (shout out to nick too because really when I say I started, I really mean me and nick started)

If you have never been to the great wall, this place is crazy, stairs are uneven and generally inappropriately large, or completely unnecessary. 

Beautiful scenery:

So, we are walking for about 5 minuets and then shit gets real, bro.

So basically they built these stairs as a gateway to the dangerous part of the wall. Seeing as I’m a complete bitch, naturally I was forced by nick went this way. 

It continues to be steep and dangerous

and the wall is clearly falling apart:

If you notice, that part has no stairs. Naturally the first thing to do is climb up the broken crumbling face of the rampart…

Just kidding, I said fuck that and walked around.

Literally I was being dragged across the great wall. It turns out Im very afraid of heights and dangerous things, which are plentiful on the Great Wall. 

More beautiful shit: 

And then I needed a rest from the anxiety of walking around on this human death trap  piece of history:

After a quick (one hour) break, we decided to pick it back up and hike the rest of the Great Wall.

Im not trying to make a it sound like a big deal or anything, but I did get to the end. 

As it tuns out, both Confucius and Mao Zedong himself wait at the end of the Great Wall to congratulate you on a job well done. While they did not have any water for me, I was granted a Gold Star which, in my eyes, is way better than fucking water.

Just Kidding,

at the end of the great wall is this sign:

If you can’t read that, it says: Military Zone, Do Not Enter. 

At this point I was scared that Hu Jin Tao (or Bo Xi Lai or whoever the fuck runs this country now) was watching, so I walked back to the bus. 

CHINESE WORD OF THE DAY!!!!!!!!!!

长城

chang cheng

meaning: The Great Wall of China

Haircuts

No this is not about my trip to Sichuan. 

Yes, I still have more to post about it.

Yes, this post is in fact about me getting my haircut.

(Introductory sentence)

I happen to be very particular about my hair. It’s not weird or anything but i just dont like anyone except for my barber (Frank) to cut my hair. He has been cutting my hair for the past 8 years, and I cannot envision actually having someone else cutting my hair on a regular basis.

Today, however, after two plus months of not getting a haircut, it was time. My hair had become an absolute mess and I finally mustered up the courage to walk into one of the barber shops near school. 

If you have ever seen an average Chinese persons hair, you would understand my trepidation in going. Chinese men really enjoy having their hair cut in really weird ways, with lots of blowdrying and hair gels and other products that I have no interest in putting in my hair.

(for an example just type in chinese male hairstyles into google)

This is why, when i sat down in the chair, literally shaking in nervousness, I immediately stopped my barber (who was also sporting a very fashionable chinese hairdo) and said:

“I want my have simple, and not fashionable. Just make it shorter.”

Then, he raised his scissors and began cutting away. 

After about 30 minutes of chopping away, and then asking him to take a little more off the top, I emerged from the barber shop with a very decent haircut for only 20 kuai (a little more than 3 bucks). 

Now that I have had time to fully appreciate the experience that is a Chinese barbershop, I am convinced it is one of the best deals in China.

For a measly $3 bucks, you get a pre haircut shampoo, a pretty good haircut, and a post haircut shampoo. In america that would probably run most people at least $20 bucks. I have also heard that most places will also throw in a head and neck massage but, I’m guessing that I looked so nervous at first that they didn’t want to touch me too much. 

I guess there is always next time.

CHINESE WORD OF THE DAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!

剪头发

jian tou fa

meaning: haircut

Sichuan Chronicles: Leshan/ Diarrhea

I guess I still remember this.

Near Chengdu, Sichuan, is the sacred Buddhist mountain of Leshan (shan means mountain in Chinese). Leshan happens to be home to the worlds largest Buddha, also known as the Grand Buddha. 

Leshan is not exactly a mountain, I would really call it a large hill but it is still full of interesting things to see and definitely worth trip if you ever get your sorry ass to Sichuan.

So,

According to legend, there were once a dragon (yes a real dragon) and a tiger that kept watch over the monastery on Leshan but because flying/ walking around for an eternity is boring as hell, they decided to turn into a Stone Dragon:

and a Jade tiger:

if you aren’t scared shitless right now, you must have some big balls, man. 

Well,

I continue climbing up this mountain/hill hybrid until I get to the top. At that point, I am very confused because I was expecting to see this big ass buddha at the top. However, all i saw was this:

I was very confused because usually (although I’m not an expert), Buddhas look like people. But, I just say fuck it and continue walking. 

After about 30 more seconds of being an absolute idiot, I realized that, that was in fact the hair of the Grand Buddha and I had to walk down these:

to see the whole thing.

If you know anything about me, I hate heights and precarious ledges. 

So, I walk down that walkway with my knees literally shaking the entire way down and take a fresh breath of air on solid ground.

And then I look at the biggest fucking buddha in the entire world. (but actually, it is)

This thing is crazy in of itself but, when you add on the fact that it was carved into the fucking mountain and that is was made hundreds of years ago, it makes you realize how crazy that thing is. 

After snapping way more pictures than necessary, I made my way back up those steps to the top.

As I was about to reach the top, I had the scariest moment in my life.

Chinese diarrhea. 

I felt my bowls churn and my asshole tighten up and knew I had about 30 seconds to find a bathroom before i literally shit in my pants. Also, seeing as I only brought two pair of pants to Chengdu, this was a big problem.

I sprint up the rest of the stairs and run around the top of the mountain, clenching my asshole, looking for a bathroom. 

Finally, I happen upon the glorious sight that is a public restroom. 

While many of you are just envisioning me hovering over a disgusting toilet as I shit my brains out, you are all unaware that in China, almost all toilets are squatters. 

Squatters, for those who dont know, are really just holes in the ground that you are expected to defalcate into. While this may seem like not a big deal, I’m not the most flexible person in the world and am always worried that I am just going to pinch a loaf on the seat instead of in the bowl.

So,

After emptying my entire body into a squatter, I walk out of the stall, only to see this sign ahead of me:

That air was not so fresh once i was done in there.

Well, after pooping, I found this beautiful little courtyard:

And then we took a group picture:

If you can find me, you get 5 bonus points.

AND THATS IT.

CHINESE WORD OF THE DAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

拉肚子

la du zi

meaning: diarrhea

(literally means to play the stomach)

Sichuan Chronicles: Panda Breeding Base

Believe it or not, pandas dont just roam around the streets of China. Apparently they are going extinct and therefore only live in special breeding places or zoos that make them have sex and jerk off all day. 

While to almost all men this sounds like paradise, apparently breeders are having a hard time making the panda have sex because all they want to do is eat bamboo. So much bamboo that they have to ask villagers to donate bamboo because the research base can’t grow enough to keep up with their appetite.

So,

We walk into the park and I was immediately put at ease. This is because they park staff was incredibly kind and had a large sign with all of the free services they would provide.

If it weren’t for that sewing kit, I dont know how i would have crocheted scarves for all of the pandas at the base.

So I start walking around not really sure where the pandas were. This is because unlike a normal zoo where the animals are relatively close together, they geniuses that created this research base decided to make the panda enclosures all about half a mile away from each other. That, combined with humid weather contributed to the creation of what doctors call ‘Swamp Ass’. This dreaded situation is when your ass gets really sweaty and it becomes like a swamp down there.

Anyway,

I marched on through my sweat issues to find me some pandas.

Look how cute this animal is. 

But also look how much of a fat ass he is. This panda is literally provided with unlimited amounts of bamboo everyday and still finds it necessary to stuff two stalks of it in his mouth at the same time. 

After visiting the research base, i definitely understood why pandas are going extinct. THEY ARE SO FUCKING LAZY. Im pretty sure if a truck was aimed straight at a panda it would rather have another bite of bamboo than move out of the way. 

Literally all theses animals do is eat, shit and sleep.

Speaking of shit…

Panda butt hole!

and we continue on…

After finding myself confronted with the asshole of a panda, I found myself in the cutest piece of land on earth: THE BABY PANDA ENCLOSURE!!!!!!!!!!

baby pandas are cute enough but to top it off, they were all sleeping….in trees!

If you heart isn’t melting, you dont have one.

Now this sign makes sense:

basically Hu jin tao just told you to shut the fuck up.

This panda knows you are too loud…

and is staring into your soul. 

Do you feel your heart pounding? 

Thats because this panda just fucked your mind. (look over your shoulder)

SO,

i continued to walk around the enclosure until i found this place.

At the giant panda kitchen, you can have all of your favorite dishes like: panda steak, panda stew, panda brain pasta, and my favorite: panda balls, cooked up for a relatively reasonable price.

(for those of you who have no sense of humor, I’m kidding, panda balls taste terrible.)

(for those of you who have less than no sense of humor, I’m kidding, you can’t eat panda in China.) (which is about the only animal you can’t eat in china. for proof go to my wangfujing post where you will see dinosaurs on a stick)

All in all, the research base was a lot of fun and it was pretty cool getting to see all of the those delicious  delightful pandas. The majority of them actually seemed happy and their conditions seemed pretty good. The only thing I’m still wondering about is what kind of porn do they give pandas to get them to jack off.

CHINESE WORD OF A WEEK AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

熊猫

xiong mao

Meaning: Panda 

The Train Ride

If you dont know this about me, I hate doing homework. That’s why I’m writing this post. Im also having writers block so here is a really shitty post.

ACC hops on the train. Everyone brought a lot of booze. We all got drunk. After 26 hours I was in Chengdu. 

More to come when I can write.

Sichuan

Tomorrow at 6:29 exactly I will board a 25 hour train to Sichuan with the rest of the ACC clan. Today I went out and purchased 3 things of instant noodles, a sleeve of ritz crackers, and a big ass pack of cookies. Tomorrow, before we leave, I also picking up a few other essentials (a lot of alcohol) for the train ride. Seeing as you can drink in public (and on public transport) in China, Im assuming I won’t run into an issue at ‘security’ in the train station. (dont worry mom). 

In Sichuan, we plan on visiting a huge ass panda breeding camp, climbing Emei Shan, and probably, although I can’t be sure, going out and getting drunk drinking responsibly at night. If you are one of my five readers, and you happen to be in sichuan, hit me up. Unless you are the creepy, serial killer type of reader. In which case, I implore you to stay in your house/hotel and just hang out. 

In other news, I won’t be bringing my computer on the trip because i dont like getting my things stolen. I will be bringing my camera and my brain (maybe) so expect a shit ton of posts when I get back.

Until that happens, please keep yourself busy looking at,

THE CHIENSE WORD OF THE DAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

龟子

gui zi

Meaning: turtle

BOUNUS CHINESE WORD OF THE DAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

熊猫

xiong mao

Meaning: Panda

Peoples’ opinion of summer camp

So the other day, one of my professors was trying to explain camp to us. However, because we dont know the chinese word for it, she was trying to explain what it was without using English. This was her description:

“They happen in the summer. It’s the place where Jewish children go to live.”

At this point, I almost fell on the floor laughing. Apparently even Chiense people know that camp is for Jews.

CHINESE WORD OF THE DAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!

夏令营

xia ling ying

Meaning: Summer camp. You know, where the jews go.

The Gym, again

Dear everyone who is related to me,

Please dont read this post. It is inappropriate.

Love, Sam

Just got back from the gym. Im feeling huge. Im also not talking about my muscles. 

Even More Hu Tongs and Dashilar (Which is a Hu Tong)

‘Sup Bitches,

I already wrote a nice letter explaining why I haven’t been on, so now it’s back to business as usual.

So,

Two weekends ago I ventured off into the mysterious land of Beijing and went to check out another area of hutongs. While you are probably thinking: “God this fucking kid just spends all his time in alleyways. He must be buying drugs.”

Well, to answer your thoughts:

A) all hutongs are different and awesome, so get off my dick.

B) If I wanted to get deported, I would buy drugs. Yet, seeing at this country is fucking awesome, I’m not there yet. 

I mean, look how awesome this alley way is:

Studies from the Chinese government show that spending time in hutongs directly increases you intelligence as well as attractiveness to the opposite sex.

Another benefit of hutongs, are finding pictures like this:

All you can say is: oh damn.

So I continue walking around and looking at curious things until I happen upon the area of the hutong I wanted to get to.

While most hutongs in Beijing have gone largely untouched for a long ass time, the hutongs that I went to were special in that during construction of the olympics, a large portion of the them were torn down, however; since the olympics, the hutongs have had a resurgence. yet because the hutongs became more modern during the olympics, there are very western, modern looking buildings right next to these small alleys that have been around for centuries. 

Here is an example of westernization:

Apparently California is known for their beef noodles.

Here is another really awesome restaurant name:

As you can see, Chinese people enjoy eating fish that have never heard of baby powder.

As you can see there are remnants of the old hutong buildings but its all been replaced with flashy signs and smiling asian people (check the left side)

Down one of the alleyways, I found this restaurant that used some really great tactics to entice customers:

To hang dead ducks in the window.

After that, we found a bar (as per usual) and had a beer. However, the bar was pretty interesting as it was a photography bar. 

‘What is a photography bar?” you might ask.

A photography bar is when you are a unsuccessful photographer so you decide to open a small bar and just hang up your pictures everywhere so people can admire them. 

it was definitely pretty cool and the bar was in a pretty cool building. and by cool, i really mean it looked like it was about to fall down.

Getting soooooooooooo wasted off of one beer!!!!!!!!!!!!!

After having our one courtesy beer, and talking to the owner, we decided to head back to school on the subway. As we were heading out of the hutongs, I was a guy welding on the side of the road. It was really nice to see someone taking every precaution when using that kind of dangerous tool.

Im surprised they dont allow people to weld on the side of the street with no protective goggles in America. See how safe that is? 

Im out fools. 

CHINESE WORD OF THE DAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

朝阳产业

zhao yang chan ye

Meaning: sunrise industry…whatever that means

(shout-out to my roommate Ben for that one)

The Hiatus

Dear readers,

I would like to offer my sincerest apologies for not being ‘on my shit’ the past few weeks. School work has been brutal (we had midterms on Friday), and I have been devoting my time and energy to that, instead of getting drunk and visiting interesting places. 

Forever yours,

Samuel F. Silverman

The Gym

So, before China, I was joking around with people saying that I could probably find a guy who knows a guy, who can get me HGH. Now I’m not. 

Today at the gym, I was casually doing some triceps pulldowns when some JACKED chinese guy, wearing nothing but a tank top and compression shorts, walks to the corner of the room. He then proceeds to reach into his backpack and take out a small juice box of MucsleMilk and a syringe. While I’m not one to assume, it looks a lot like he’s taking steroids. I was too into my pulldowns to notice whether or not he inserted the syringe into himself, he was in that corner for a long ass time.

while i would usually criticize a man for taking steroids, he later came over to me and told me he liked my beard. For those of you who haven’t met me before, I can’t grow a beard. Also, I currently dont have a beard. 

Proof (of my lack of beard, not steroids):

Dear exiles rugby,

if you want to place orders for the fall season, just send me an e-mail.

CHINESE WORD OF THE DAY!!!!!!!!!!!

合成类固醇

he cheng lei gu chun

meaning: anabolic steroids